I'm not really sure why, but Sunday nights kill me. Maybe it has something to do with Sunday nights as being the night my father would return me to my mother's. Maybe it has something to do with tomorrow being a work day and the events that get thrown into motion first thing on a Monday morning. Maybe it's the end of KimBeam time and it becomes what everyone else wants from KimBeam.
Whatever the reason, tonight there are tears in the corners of my eyes and I'm feeling morose. Unhappy thoughts are making my emotions stir up. Thoughts that might be grounded in some form of truth, but might be mostly just twists of my biggest fears, plaguing me. "You'll always be alone. You can't handle the future. Your money issues will always haunt you. You want to be disciplined, but you certainly don't behave like you want that."
The truth is, I called someone not so long ago on needing more than just his own brain "to noodle out" the problem. The truth is, I'm just as flawed in my own ways. I too need help to noodle out my issues, and it's only been in the past two weeks that I've been willing to invite someone into the shame of my finances and say, "I cannot figure this out. I need you to help me." I asked my dad for that years ago, but he wasn't willing to go there with me. Instead, I did the scary thing and asked a friend to not judge me and exposed the mess I have made of my adult life.
Like I said in the vulnerability hangover blog, I need more time to get my feet under me before I think I'm ready for "him" to come in. Even better, I think I might have to learn how to live a disciplined lifestyle for MY reasons and not just hiding behind doing "good" and living "right" because the religion I was following told me to do so. In truth, this scares me too. I've waited for years and years for "him" to come in, all the time trying to make myself more Godly. Now I see that as bullshit. I think it's time I get my crap together and become a person I'm proud to be.
Don't get me wrong - I think I'm kinda amazing. 😉. But I also know that I've been hiding from my weaknesses. I've been praying about them for years. I've been ignoring them and hiding them from others. Now, I'm exposing them to the light and saying, "I'm a f***up. I've screwed up a whole ton of things. Let me go learn the discipline of money" - which means, I'll be ending some "important" subscriptions - Netflix, Audible, Match and eHarmony. Maybe I'll become braver and start going to bars on my own. Maybe I'll step out and go to the museum on Friday nights for their singles things. Maybe I'll explore other hidden parts of me that I've been too afraid to face.
But part of me fears these decisions just set me up to be lonely. A crazy cat lady who really doesn't like cats. And then the Sunday night melancholy falls down on me, tears drip out of the corners of my eyes and I think the most despairing thoughts I can - it's always going to be like this. No one is ever going to think me amazing. I don't deserve to be with someone until I have the financial bit figured out. Though I love curling up with someone to fall asleep, my bed will only ever just contain me.