Over Winter Break, I was at VCF. I went because I was at Steve and Linda's and they were going to church, so I went too. I was standing in the lobby, telling people over and over what my faith isn't at the moment. Just to the ones that will truly care.
This guy walked into church. He had rain pouring down his hood and down his jacket. I realized who he was immediately, walked up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back, asked me how I was and apologized for covering me in rain. He is someone I've had contact with in the past -- a random email here and there, where I would say what I was sensing from God for him. Odd, I know. Especially now that I'm studying schizophrenia. It makes me wonder.... But still, I would "know" stuff that was true for him -- he even admitted it was true and applied. One time I wrote him saying, "Be careful about your way to Valparaiso," and he was leaving for Valparaiso in less than 24 hours from receiving my message, but I had no idea that he was even going.
So, I looked up at him as he looked down, his eyes crinkled together as he smiled, and I said, "I'm walking away from God." There I was, standing in my church's vestibule and said it so bluntly. I found out today, actually, that he was shocked by my news. He didn't show it. He didn't flinch or express any surprise. I got pulled away from talking with him because other friends wanted to talk to me, but the truth is, I wanted to talk more to him. Especially because he said, "I've been learning things in seminary recently that the way churches interpret the scripture sets people up to become bitter toward God for the difficult things that happen."
I've been avoiding him, slightly. I've gotten an email here, a fb message there that he wanted to talk to me, but I've been away - Seattle, Whistler, ...hanging out with my knitting friends (last night). As I turned my key in my front door last night, I heard my iPad make a weird chime -- which turned out to mean I had a FB message. He wrote saying, "Kimberly Beam! Call me right now to talk about the Lord!" I text him back telling him the only people who call me, "Kimberly" are people who are upset with my and I'm in trouble. He said, "I thought that would get your attention."
We actually didn't talk until this morning. And when we talked, I told him what I've been telling so many of late: I'm being a petulant three year old, I'm bitter that I was waiting on God and He so did not come through for me. Others would argue -- as he did -- that I am now better, with no fear of the cancer metastasizing or reoccurring, and those facts are because of God. Others would make the case that I am better because a doctor in France pulled four poisons known as medicine off his shelf and threw it at his patient's Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Those drugs hit home and he was healed. Literally. Those drugs were the same drugs they threw at my Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I am better -- is God a part of that?? I counted on Him to be my North, South, my East and West, as W. H. Auden says. I counted on Him to be there when I curled up at night.
The guy I was talking to today was asking, which is better? To know God and know Him more and more each day, to have conversations together (as He and I used to have) and be certain of my eternal future or to live the life you see in front of you? And, I was honest with him; I said, "That seems awfully lonely." I was crying in the middle of the conversation and I got quiet. He let me. He waited me out. And when I said something about valuing God more than anything else is lonely, he couldn't deny the truth of it. He said that he runs or finds people to hang out with or dives into his school work when he's wishing for some female companionship. I wanted to be snarky and say something like, "I find ways to take care of the issue." Only I didn't, for I might have said too much -- like how I've allowed two guys to be physically close to me in the past six months. That I'm off my 13 year hiatus from dating. That I want to live and be bold, brave and ...feel beautiful.
Waiting for God to make me feel those things? Never happened. And I wanted Him to. I was His girl -- sold out, hard core, judgmental and living as a perfectionist because I didn't want to be accused of being "ungodly."
Now, I am not being "godly" by those definitions. It is worrying to some: this is out of character for me. It is satisfying for others: it's about time. And sometimes those are even the same people.
Is this going well for me? I have no idea. I think I'm sloppy at this. I'm finding out there are rules I didn't even know about. I'm also finding out that with some people it isn't just an act -- it can get confusing. I need to be more aware and protective of my heart. It's good to learn these things. It's good to find out that I want balance in my life. It's good to recognize my discontent and realize that not just anything will help me cope with that angst.
This guy walked into church. He had rain pouring down his hood and down his jacket. I realized who he was immediately, walked up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back, asked me how I was and apologized for covering me in rain. He is someone I've had contact with in the past -- a random email here and there, where I would say what I was sensing from God for him. Odd, I know. Especially now that I'm studying schizophrenia. It makes me wonder.... But still, I would "know" stuff that was true for him -- he even admitted it was true and applied. One time I wrote him saying, "Be careful about your way to Valparaiso," and he was leaving for Valparaiso in less than 24 hours from receiving my message, but I had no idea that he was even going.
So, I looked up at him as he looked down, his eyes crinkled together as he smiled, and I said, "I'm walking away from God." There I was, standing in my church's vestibule and said it so bluntly. I found out today, actually, that he was shocked by my news. He didn't show it. He didn't flinch or express any surprise. I got pulled away from talking with him because other friends wanted to talk to me, but the truth is, I wanted to talk more to him. Especially because he said, "I've been learning things in seminary recently that the way churches interpret the scripture sets people up to become bitter toward God for the difficult things that happen."
I've been avoiding him, slightly. I've gotten an email here, a fb message there that he wanted to talk to me, but I've been away - Seattle, Whistler, ...hanging out with my knitting friends (last night). As I turned my key in my front door last night, I heard my iPad make a weird chime -- which turned out to mean I had a FB message. He wrote saying, "Kimberly Beam! Call me right now to talk about the Lord!" I text him back telling him the only people who call me, "Kimberly" are people who are upset with my and I'm in trouble. He said, "I thought that would get your attention."
We actually didn't talk until this morning. And when we talked, I told him what I've been telling so many of late: I'm being a petulant three year old, I'm bitter that I was waiting on God and He so did not come through for me. Others would argue -- as he did -- that I am now better, with no fear of the cancer metastasizing or reoccurring, and those facts are because of God. Others would make the case that I am better because a doctor in France pulled four poisons known as medicine off his shelf and threw it at his patient's Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Those drugs hit home and he was healed. Literally. Those drugs were the same drugs they threw at my Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I am better -- is God a part of that?? I counted on Him to be my North, South, my East and West, as W. H. Auden says. I counted on Him to be there when I curled up at night.
The guy I was talking to today was asking, which is better? To know God and know Him more and more each day, to have conversations together (as He and I used to have) and be certain of my eternal future or to live the life you see in front of you? And, I was honest with him; I said, "That seems awfully lonely." I was crying in the middle of the conversation and I got quiet. He let me. He waited me out. And when I said something about valuing God more than anything else is lonely, he couldn't deny the truth of it. He said that he runs or finds people to hang out with or dives into his school work when he's wishing for some female companionship. I wanted to be snarky and say something like, "I find ways to take care of the issue." Only I didn't, for I might have said too much -- like how I've allowed two guys to be physically close to me in the past six months. That I'm off my 13 year hiatus from dating. That I want to live and be bold, brave and ...feel beautiful.
Waiting for God to make me feel those things? Never happened. And I wanted Him to. I was His girl -- sold out, hard core, judgmental and living as a perfectionist because I didn't want to be accused of being "ungodly."
Now, I am not being "godly" by those definitions. It is worrying to some: this is out of character for me. It is satisfying for others: it's about time. And sometimes those are even the same people.
Is this going well for me? I have no idea. I think I'm sloppy at this. I'm finding out there are rules I didn't even know about. I'm also finding out that with some people it isn't just an act -- it can get confusing. I need to be more aware and protective of my heart. It's good to learn these things. It's good to find out that I want balance in my life. It's good to recognize my discontent and realize that not just anything will help me cope with that angst.
